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Arrow Tip #12: Evolve Yourself

When I first started my journey of self-improvement, I was searching because I wanted to change the circumstances of my life. Things weren't going the way I wanted and I was desperate for improvement. I could have saved myself so much time and anguish if I had grasped this week's Arrow Tip on a deep level. It took me years to really understand that I didn't need to change the outside circumstances or other people. I just needed to change myself. If you can evolve the inner YOU, (your mindset and self-concept), then your outer world circumstances have no choice but to evolve too.


Years ago I had a friend that I really enjoyed getting together with. Unfortunately, she was very unreliable. We would make lunch plans where I would clear my schedule, and then she would cancel 5 minutes beforehand. Other times she would show up 30 minutes late. This happened repeatedly for a very long time. In my mind, I would blame her, curse her out, get pissed off. On the outside, I would try to control the situation by putting in contingency plans, tell her she needed to give me much more notice, etc. Finally, I decided that I was the one who needed to change, not her. I took a look at what my beliefs were about myself in relation to the situation and the friendship. At the time, because I had just moved to the area, she was the only girl I really knew. She had lots of friends but I didn't have any. On some level, I felt I needed her friendship and company. I decided to evolve myself. I changed my thoughts and beliefs as they pertained to the relationship. I embraced the thought "I am a respectful person and I deserve to be respected". I decided that while I really enjoyed having a girlfriend that I could hang out with, I was fine alone. I knew that in time I would meet more people. I stopped trying to change the situation and I started changing myself.

As it turned out, she invited me to join her in working an out-of-town event that we both had a common interest in. Unbelievably, despite the fact that we had spoken just hours before, she didn't even show up at the airport. I ended up traveling to another state and working the event all weekend with people I had never even met before. Because I had evolved myself and my beliefs and thoughts about who I was, I didn't even get mad. I simply decided she was no longer a person I needed to have in my life. That was that.

The beliefs I began to focus on were "I am a respectful person and I have relationships with people who are respectful to me as well. I enjoy meaningful friendships with people who value them as much as I do. I associate with people who add to my life and I can add to theirs." The relationship we had did not fit with who I was (and am), therefore it changed.

I wished her no harm. I had no anger towards her. I also had no regret about the friendship ending. This is a simple example of what I mean when I say EVOLVE YOU! This situation ended in the loss of a friendship, but from where I stood it did not feel like a loss. I was fine with that. But things don't always turn out with the loss of something. There have been many times when I evolved my SELF which ended in circumstances or other people completely turning around for the better and where changing myself actually changed them. It just depends. Every situation is different.


In any circumstance, situation or relationship, the common denominator will always be YOU. If you don't like the way you feel...stop trying to control other people or outside situations. Look at yourself and examine who you ARE by observing your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. Evolve these to become more empowering and watch how things will change. It's inevitable that you will feel much better about the whole situation regardless of how it turns out.


  1. Decide that you will stop trying to control and change other people or circumstances but instead change yourself for the better.

2. In any unwanted situation, examine the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that you are holding in regards to it.

3. Evolve yourself by choosing more empowering thoughts and beliefs.


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